Is something wrong with me?!?!?

It all started with me meeting some new people who are like me or similar to me and making some new friends of those people.  Most of them are really fun and cool, and great to be around.  But a few of them stand out from the rest, like a few black rabbits among all white ones.  One I am attracted to for his love of life and his laid back nature, and for thinking of me in a way that I thought no other guy would.  Another one I like for his super sweet personality and his innocence, which makes me feel like I still have some sanity left.  And a third one, which I am attracted to probably a bit more than the other two, because of how much he reminds me of me, and how he tries to help me better understand myself and help make me a better person for everyone to love, even myself.  What really bugs me is that I have gone against my own morals and fooled around with and/or slept with other guys because I feel like my patience is running out.  I have never been in a relationship before, not even close.  I was bugged and picked on and made fun of for a lot of my life, and I still am sometimes to this day, even at my age (19).  I feel kind of like a slut right now, and my brother constantly reminds me of it too, always saying, “You’re a player!”  Am I weird for having trouble being patient for that right guy to come along, and for being weak and giving in to some of my own lustful temptations?  Am I weird for not being able to tell the one I like how I feel about him, and for not telling him the truth because of how he might react or respond?  I am the type that likes the company of others, be them friends, family, or people I care about, and I find life really hard if I can’t have that.  I am finding that I can’t be alone for too long, or I start to get sad and depressed.  I have asked one of my crushes about a relationship between myself and him, but he said that he doesn’t want to start anything because he is moving away to go to school, but also said he would otherwise, so I don’t think anything will happen with him.  Another one of my crushes I have been around only twice, but I find him quite attractive and cute, and his appearance and behaviour get me thinking of stuff, as he isn’t moving away anytime soon.  But I don’t know how he feels about me, and another one of my friends has a crush on him, so I don’t think anything will happen with him either.  But the last crush gets me thinking the most.  He reminds me so much of how I am that it is sometimes painful to get him off my mind, and I have also heard lots of really nice and reassuring things about him, which makes him even harder to not think about.  I am being honest when I say that I think I have quite low self-esteem and low self-confidence.  I usually think of the negative things that might happen, rather than the positive aspects of things, and that makes me even more sad and depressed.  Proof of this is that I get sick really easily, I am naive, and I take things way too personally.  I base ALL my decisions on what other people think and how it will makes others feel, even at a cost to myself.  If I think that my actions will make others feel bad, then I won’t do that action, even if it isn’t what I want.  I can be too trusting too.  Is something wrong with me?!?!?  There is lots more to write, but I will save those for future blogs.  I just hope that special someone, who is becoming more dear to me everyday and every time I see or talk with him, will eventually read this soon and understand how I feel about him and these things and help me with stuff like he already has been.  He is one of the few people that I feel I can confide in, as he doesn’t make me feel bad at all and doesn’t judge, and he actually listens to what I have to say and tries to help me out by giving me friendly advise.  I really, really like that in a person, and that kind of friendship actually brings up my self-esteem and self-confidence, which would be a good thing for me.  Anyways, I just hope our friendship will get stronger to a point where I could talk to him about anything, maybe, and not feel bad about stuff I tell him because I may be afraid of what he may think of me or how it might affect him.  So here’s to tomorrow, and to the end of my first ever journal/blog entry.  I just hope I am sane and something isn’t wrong with me!  May fortune smile in my direction for a change!

Till next time,

Kajiflame